In praise of frosting? Or maybe not

Appetite isn't about food, it's about the drive to get what you want (now)

I was a waitress at a dude ranch in Colorado the summer I was 19 and it was, in the true sense of the word, epic. We worked long hours and rode horses on afternoon breaks and had late night parties and hiked the Rockies on days off. In my kitchen duties I sliced more melon and strawberries than a person would humanly think possible. Every night I wore a different western outfit as I waited on tables, and at the start of dinner I recited the evening menu (four courses, new each night) verbatim. It was a very posh ranch – Cindy Crawford was one of guests, among other celebrities.

It had all the makings of a summer special on Disney, now that I think about it.

My sweet tooth came out hard during those 11 weeks. I never met a baked good or piece of candy that I didn’t like. Frosting is a particular love; never have I understood the statement, “I didn’t eat the frosting because it was too sweet.” What?! Anyway, my fellow waitstaffers always saved the best-frosted pieces of cake for me, and eventually I earned the nickname “Fanatical Frosting Freak.” I can’t remember if it was self-proclaimed or someone gave it to me… but either way, it was true. I was.

If you’ve ever eaten large quantities of frosting, you will know how lovely it tastes in the eating… and how Not Great it makes you feel afterwards. The butter and sugar lodge in your stomach, and you end up feeling gross. I acknowledged this to be true even as ate and ate frosting, upholding my “FFF” reputation.

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Here’s a word that was routinely used for centuries, and now we’ve all but lost: appetite. I’m not talking about when you’re hungry and your stomach’s rumbling (this is the one meaning of the word our culture has retained). I’m talking about when you want something that will make you feel good – something pleasurable, comfortable, fun. An appetite is always related to the Right Now. And it very often involves to your physical body.

I might have an appetite for:

Food… say frosting.

Drinking wine.

Lying on the couch.

Watching a TV show.

Jumping in a pool on a hot day.

Playing a video game.

Having sex.

These are not bad things.

The issue is when and how we pursue our appetites. They point us toward things that feel good and bring pleasure, so it’s easy to overdo them… or follow them in ways that are ultimately unhelpful.

If you want to live a life of flourishing, and if you want to enjoy the types of goodness, truth, and beauty that make for a happy life… you can’t just follow your appetites. You have to engage in them in the right way, at the right time, in the right amounts. A girl cannot live, after all, on frosting alone… and dopamine hits can’t and won’t get us very far. The fact is, what feels good short-term isn’t always good for us in the long run.

Appetites reside in the animal part of us, that part the philosophers through the ages called “spirit.” They relate to our wants, urges, instincts, drives. We’re like animals in having them. Where we differ from animals is in our ability to think about them, control them and even refrain from pursing them. We use our reason – the part of us that considers, plans, chooses (that animals don’t have) – to do this. Doing this dance between appetites and reason is part of what makes us human.

A flourishing life that leads to long-term happiness is one in which appetites fall under the domain of our reason – we use our minds to choose what to do with our appetites. The Greek philosopher Cicero put it well, around 50 B.C.:

“The essential activity of the (person) is twofold: one force is appetite, which impels a man this way and that; the other is reason, which teaches and explains what should be done and what should be left undone. The result is that reason commands, appetite obeys… As a result strength of character and self-control will shine forth in all their lustre.”

Preach, Cicero (and the other natural law philosophers throughout the ages). He’s saying a person in command of herself uses reason to order her appetites and thereby pursue a fulfilling life. Reason allows us to defer or resist appetites when it’s wise to do so, and to instead seek and enact basic goods… which cause our thriving over the long run. Less frosting right now, don’t feel gross in an hour.

One cultural message we often hear is: “If it feels good, do it.” Or a more nuanced version: “If you feel it, it’s authentic and worthwhile and needs to be pursued.” Cicero says no. What you feel or hanker for does matter, but it isn’t all that matters (feelings relate to only one of the three parts of you). And it isn’t the best guide to get you to prospering in your life. 

I love frosting, still. Butter and sugar are good, two of the world’s great gifts. But thankfully I left the Fanatical Frosting Freak behind me when my ranch summer ended, and frosting doesn’t rule my world (or diet) today.

Here’s to bringing back the concept of appetites and being real about the opportunities and challenges they pose. And here’s to the kind of “strength of character” that Cicero is talking about… and to using our reason to order our steps toward the good.