Who cares if it’s vulgar?

Boys, humor, vulgarity, and why it matters

I’m the parent of both male and female teenagers, and I observe this: girls often prize (above all things) being beautiful, whereas boys often prize (above all things) being funny. Humor is currency for boys. Being funny, and being recognized as being funny, helps them be popular and cool. This isn’t always the case, of course, but in my experience it often is. Girls care about humor too but with less primacy.

So what’s the deal with being funny?

Humor’s about being amused. It’s about feeling light and having fun and laughing (which has numerous health benefits, as we all know). Life is serious and we’re all stressed, and being able to laugh is a shot in the arm. We love it.

When does humor happen? When you encounter or do something unexpected or absurd – when there’s a non sequitur, when something silly happens. Whether you encounter it or cause/do it, you engage in humor either way – and the result is laughter. So often, humor is part of the good of play – which, you remember, is engaging in an activity for recreation rather than for a practical purpose.

But humor isn’t always part of the good of play. In fact humor isn’t always good, period. Laughter isn’t a basic good, and neither is amusement. And it turns out that humor is often pointed at the bad instead of the good. Think of teasing the nerd. Telling a blond joke. Using sarcasm in a way that gets laughs, but puts someone down. In these cases, it’s the opposite of good. So humor itself is neutral – like money or the internet. It’s an instrumental good. That means when it’s used to advance a good, it’s good; when it’s used to advance a bad, it’s bad.

Often we humans take actions we think will be short cuts, trying to get to a flourishing life faster. (Think of stealing instead of earning the money to buy something, cheating on a quiz instead of studying.) The short cuts are unreasonable – they don’t result in the thing we’re actually after; they don’t make our lives better in the long run. Natural law reveals this. But they’re easier, and we hope we can game the system. And the shortcut to being funny is usually being vulgar.

Vulgarity is a way of referring to bodily functions, usually sex, in a way that’s designed to by crude and startling. It can be anything from a poop or fart joke to pornographic content. Funniness is about contrasts and the unexpected as we saw, and vulgarity draws on this by taking something innately private and intimate (we all know bodily functions are, without having to be taught) and intentionally broadcasting it publicly. It’s opposite-land. Vulgarity is awkward and absurd – and therefore comes across as funny. The coarser and more offensive it is, the more it amplifies the paradox. When you are vulgar, you’re rude on purpose to generate laughter.

Being vulgar is as old as time; there’s nothing new or cutting edge about dirty jokes (or even poop jokes). The cave men were no doubt making them. But what is new is the internet and memes and instant shareability and content “going viral.” And it’s this that has turbocharged vulgarity in today’s society.

Whereas, previously, a boy would to have think up a vulgar joke himself or overhear one, and then tell and retell it to get the hits of laughter (and corresponding ego boost), now he can find vulgar memes online that fit the bill and share. Instagram, TikTok, YouTube offer an endless supply of these it. And this is where the crossover between vulgarity for the sake of humor and sexual content, even pornography, occurs.

Sometimes boys are involved in nefarious activities – viewing, sharing, posting – not with a primary motive of sexual interest but with a motive of being funny, becoming popular, generating laughs. I have seen this. Of course, where content is sexually focused, sexual interest and temptation are involved. This is the special toxicity of the internet in such settings. And it’s also the toxicity of the human heart. Our appetites will lead us astray if we don’t take care. The drive to be funny can take us to dark places, in the same way that lust does. Crossover occurs, almost by definition. Vice always begets more vice.

That’s why it matters if it’s vulgar. Funny – maybe, but so what? Is it leading us toward the good?

So, it’s important to think about humor – about how it works organically, and how we use it practically. We can think funny thoughts and not share them, if they lead toward the bad. We can hear someone share something amusing that harms friendship, beauty, or life… and not laugh. We can leave the room. And we can teach our kids to do the same.

It may feel like being a goody-two-shoes in the moment, but it’s actually the path to virtue… and to flourishing. It’s how to thrive as a human. Because in the end, there are no shortcuts.