Being a hypocrite is actually good

and I'll prove it

Being called a hypocrite – a person who says one thing and does another - is the worst. The accusation feels like a gut-punch and, when the claim’s true, comes with its own kind of shame. We stand for a thing, we speak of its importance, we’re passionate about why it matters… and then we don’t hold up our own standards. We do the thing we say ought not to be done (or don’t do the thing we say should be done). When we realize it, and especially when people call us on it, we feel small.

Being a hypocrite is, we feel, a terrible thing to be guilty of.

I write and speak on digital wellness and have for nearly 5 years. I even have a little book out on the topic. I got into it because I saw how much over-using phones was eroding our souls and burying the best aspects of our human-ness. With my kids, I’m stricter than most moms about when they can get phones, what apps are on them, and my oversight. But – and you see where this is going – I’m also a serious phone-over-user myself at times.

I know because my kids always point it out: when I’m texting as they’re talking to me, or when I’m on my phone when we’re watching a movie together. These are no-no’s at our house, but I do them sometimes. Even when I defend myself (and sometimes I do have reasons to), they’re right and we both know it. I don’t live up to my own standards… and I hate it.

You’re a hypocrite too, I’d wager. You oppose swearing but you sometimes swear, or you shun processed foods – except for that pesky occasional Doritos indulgence.

However, I’ve recently become acquainted with a truth that’s revolutionary and freeing: being a hypocrite is not the worst thing. Not even close. It’s not awesome, but it’s not awful either.

Why?

For this, we have to look at the beginning of the process.

At the start, a hypocrite is a person who knows what is good to do – knows good from bad, right from wrong. She aims at something and stands for something, and the thing is virtuous. She’s done the work of reasoning, arrived at a conclusion, and put forth that thing as Worthwhile.

Leave to the side for a moment her failing to enact it consistently.

The alternative is to not know what is good to do, not use reason, not conclude, not assert. This person either is unwilling to put the effort into figuring a thing out, wrestling through the issues to their conclusion, or he is afraid to. He might be afraid because others may dislike his conclusion. Or he might hesitate because he feels that standing for something would make him seem self-righteous, proud, or judgmental. Or he might be afraid that he will enact the thing they stand for imperfectly, and draw criticism for this. In all cases, this person is passive: either too lazy and distracted, or too fearful, to stand for something.

But the first rule of flourishing is to use reason to determine what is good to do, what actions to take lead you to a thriving life (or hour, or day). If you opt out of doing, you take yourself out of the running for flourishing.

Let’s take the example of gossiping. Tracy dislikes gossip, tries not to gossip, instructs her children not to gossip. It undermines friendship. One day at work, she repeats to others some foolish activity done by her colleagues. A peer say, “Tracy, you’re gossiping! You always tell us not to gossip, but now you’re doing it!” She feels terrible: she’s a hypocrite, called out for not living up to her own standards.

Sandra doesn’t care about gossiping – it doesn’t matter whom she talks about, when, with whom, or the outcome. She’s the first to tell a salacious story that interests others, when the opportunity arises. When she does so, no one says, “Sandra, you’re doing the thing you say not to do” because Sandra doesn’t say not to do it. That’s exactly the point: she’s fine with it. Sandra’s not a hypocrite, true, but she’s something worse: a person who hasn’t thought about why gossiping ought not be done, hasn’t done the work of determining how one ought to live to flourish. Or she’s a person who has done that work but either doesn’t care or has rejected the conclusion that gossip is bad (which means she’s committed to vice).

Sandra’s gossiping isn’t guided by reason, it’s guided by appetite – a descriptor for a thing a person wants because it makes them feel good. Appetites direct us to act in whatever way provides pleasure in a given moment, regardless of the long-term impact. Often appetites and reason are in opposition to each other. Gossiping now feels good but works against long-term friendship (and character); refraining from gossip is hard now but contributes to long-term friendship and character.

The crux is this: it’s better to know and want to do what is good (based in reason) and sometimes fail than to not know or not want to do what is good. It is better to sometimes be a hypocrite than not try.

Why does this matter so much, in our age particularly? Because our era is marked by subjectivity, confusion, and fear of offending. The one “value” our society promotes is tolerance – the idea that anything can be worthwhile, depending on one’s viewpoint and circumstances. This mocks the reality that there are things that are good and things that are not. Such a climate has catapulted us into a crisis of meaning unparalleled in our country’s history. If nothing is worth standing for, pursuing, returning to, fighting for (even through mistakes) – then what’s the point? Standing for nothing leads to despair.

It’s true that we all sometimes fail to live up to our own ideals. That’s just being human. We can get back up and try again – and we must. Everything worth doing or having takes a long time, after all.

The process is: 1) do the work of figuring out what is good; 2) stand for the thing that is good, including publicly; 3) enact the thing that is good, as often as you can; 4) admit it when you’ve failed to enact the thing that is good; 5) keep trying, after you fail. This is the virtuous cycle, and though it includes being a hypocrite sometimes it ultimately leads to good places.

So back to me, “Mom The Phone Hypocrite.” I’ll keep fighting for digital minimalism for myself and my kids, even though I use my phone imperfectly sometimes. And I know we’ll all be the better for it – even me. And I hope you join me, in this or in whatever areas for good you champion. The world needs hypocrites like us.