Incontinence isn't what you think...

(But it still isn't good)

Let’s talk about incontinence. No, not THAT kind of incontinence! Because I know where your mind just went. And a certain tween in my life is very fond of potty humor… so this area is like a family wheelhouse now.

Today, incontinence is about diarrhea or uncontrollable peeing – the inability to control bodily waste elements. I know: not a lovely topic. No wonder we don’t talk about it much.

It didn’t always mean that though. Incontinence used to be a description of someone’s character. It used to just mean lacking in self-restraint. To be continent is have control. To be incontinent is to be without control…. in your actions.

And – this part is important – “incontinent” and “continent” were descriptors people once used to talk about particular types of human behaviors. They were ways to indicate if a person did good or bad things, and if she did them willingly or because she made herself. A continent person wills herself to do good things, and an incontinent person doesn’t have enough will to do the good thing. She can’t keep herself from doing a bad thing.

There are in fact four types of behaviors (as natural law describes them), and they exist along a spectrum. Here they are:

· Virtue – You do a good thing because over time you’ve developed a habit of acting for the good and now you do it because you want to. Folks who frequently enact virtues are called virtuous.

· Continence – You don’t really want to do a good thing, but you will yourself to do it. You display self-restraint.

· Incontinence – You know what you’re about to do is a bad thing and are hesitant, but you do it anyway. You’re incontinent; you lack self-control.

· Vice – You do the bad thing because you want to do it. Folk who frequently enact vices are called vicious.

If you’ve never seen actions and their corresponding intentions laid out like that, you aren’t alone. This conversation started with Aristotle 2300+ years ago, but moderns ditched this type of talk decades ago (or more).

It’s helpful though. When you think about it, it’s easy to see that we each carry out all these behaviors every day. Which we do most depends on the task, time of day, our mood, and what we ate for breakfast. It varies – for all of us. Mother Theresa didn’t operate only in virtues, and even Adolph Hitler didn’t operate solely in vices.

Here’s a simple example of how all four come into just a tiny stretch of your day:

You wait calmly at a red light in your car, being patient (virtue), but then you encounter a yellow light a little down the road. You want to speed through but remind yourself that’s unsafe, so you make yourself slow and stop (continence). At the next red light you see the “No turn on red” sign but no one’s around so you turn right anyway – though it’s illegal and you feel a little bad about it (incontinence). Your toddler loudly pipes up again from the back seat after he’s been told to stay quiet – you want to yell angrily at him, and you do (vice).

So these get mixed together all the time and happen a lot. Do they even matter?

They matter enormously because how we live – the effort we put into our decisions and how we ultimately act – determines the course of our time on earth. If we care about and try to enact the goods, we flourish. If we don’t care about them and don’t enact them, we tank. Maybe not immediately, but eventually.

A person who often breaks laws and yells at her kids doesn’t end up happy, and neither do those around her. Things go badly for her – physically (her health and safety), emotionally (angry, unstable), socially (relationships), mentally (defensive, victim mindset, or the like).

Ideally we are moving ourselves up the column, slowly and steadily, over years. We want to move toward virtue: the virtuous person is happiest in herself and contributes to the best society. We aim to be people who want the good, and who do it fairly automatically.

How does it happen? Well this phrase you actually may have heard of – it’s called the virtuous cycle. The virtuous cycle describes how a person grows increasingly virtuous over time. You start by being largely continent – not necessarily wanting the good but doing it because you know it’s reasonable and will ultimately cause flourishing. The more you choose the good thing, the more habitual it becomes, and the more you come to like the positive outcomes that result. Over time you increasingly take pleasure in the good, and eventually you choose the good because you want to – not because you’re making yourself.

What about when you don’t choose the good thing - when you are incontinent, and lack self-restraint? The incontinent person does the bad thing, though with hesitation. It’s appealing, after all… resisting it is tiring. The incontinent person can’t muster the willpower to do the good thing instead.

Is he doomed? After all, incontinence is just a layover on the way to vice and to becoming a vicious person – the literal worst. Is viciousness a definite destination for the incontinent?

Not necessarily.

The incontinent person is likely unconvinced that virtues are worthwhile; he doesn’t know that virtuous people are ultimately happier. He wrongly thinks that virtue is boring and virtuous people are annoying, goody-two-shoe killjoys.

See in our world, we celebrate being “authentic” and empowered: whatever your emotions and wishes tell you, seize it! Act on it. Be true to yourself – that’s the Main Thing! Trouble is the things we want, feel, and experience aren’t reliable guides at all. They often lead us to act on our appetites and passions, what seems most gratifying and appealing right now. Yet when we indulge them, we get momentary hits of pleasure but ironically end up less happy.

If the incontinent person dwells on this reality, if he focuses on those he knows who display what virtue really is (and the fruits it brings), he can use reason to change his thinking. He can begin to show more restraint. He can be inspired. Heck, he can even get a mentor. Taking these steps, and cultivating environments that encourage them, is how virtue grows. Heeding the call of conscience and being proactive instead of passive are the answers.

Here’s to continence, then, in every way (the bodily type is for sure better too), for us all. Here’s to being real about the dangers of our appetites, and to talking up the value of restraint. Then acting on it. Self-control is our friend, and so the habit of enacting the goods. The life we want to have, and the world we want to live in, is one full of first continence and then ultimately virtue. All that is truly, beautifully good.